I blow too hard

You know, blowing too hard is one of my biggest problems as a flutist. It's left over from undergrad when all my teachers would ever say to me was "you have a small sound" or "you aren't projecting". Fact is, I did have a swallowed up sound back then since I played with my tongue in the back of my mouth. When Keith taught me to play with my tongue in the front of my mouth (what a concept, huh?) all of a sudden I had the big, projecting sound I'd always knew I had. However, the damage was done. I spent 5 years blowing my brains out (literally, haha) and a habit like that is so hard to break! I have a gorgeous sound, but there's a fine line between big and full and just plain ugly. I cross that line sometimes without intending too. I'm so concerned with getting the biggest fattest sound out of every single note that it prevents the shimmer. Now, interestingly enough, I do not force my high register. I mean, Keith has been telling me for 2 years now that I don't need to force the high register, so I don't. However, my mid and low register are forced regularly, and I don't need to. I have a big sound. I project. My sound is so pretty when I don't force that it's as pretty as Julius Baker's I think. What a concept, huh? However, it doesn't come out enough because I force when I need not. Something to work on, huh?

I play with a lot of vibrato

I finally picked up my master's recital CD. I actually didn't want to hear it for a long time because the only thing I could think about after my recital were technical mistakes I made. However, I've been really wanting to hear it now for a couple weeks. My immediate observations are that my recital was ACTUALLY pretty good! I don't like my Mozart - I'm blowing too hard and forcing my sound. I also don't like my Barber canzone too much because it was towards the end of my recital and I ran out of breath at one point and even played a wrong note (though the funny thing is that I think it sounds more "right" than the correct one)

I LOVE my Chant de Linos - aside from a couple technical blips (which I'm allowed, ok?!!) it's really good. The only thing that distresses me a little is that I'm playing with way too wide a vibrato in the first slow section. Its kind of obnoxious actually. To be honest, I noticed this throughout my recital CD. Keith and I have worked so hard on me having a steady FAST vibrato, but it's time for me play around a little more with the width. However, in the 2nd mvt of the Godard, it's actually funny to play me and then something lyrical (like Apres Un Reve) by Julius Baker back to back. I sound very much like Baker, vibrato and all! Baker varies the width of his vibrato more and I want that.

Aside from vibrato that's a little too wide at times and occasional forcing, my tone is absolutely GORGEOUS! It's huge and shimmery and has a lot of overtones! I have come so far in my Master's degree - it's amazing. Keith's teachings are amazing. And the awesome thing is that I'm still learning and making changes.

I want to audition better

I'm a good flutist. Actually, I'm going to go farther and say that I'm a pretty damn GREAT flutist. However, auditions have always been an issue for me. It's totally different than performing. When I perform I usually start out a little nervous, but a minute or two later I calm down and settle into it. In auditions, though, I don't. Like, today, for example. I didn't play badly by any sense of the word. I only played about 85% of my potential though. Now, for me 85% is still pretty good, especially in comparison to a lot of other flutists in the world. However, when I'm at 100% I am amazing. I want to feel that when I audition, especially because that extra 15% is what will set me apart and win me a job.

After playing (my opinion of) badly in the concerto competition audition last year due to performance anxiety I very very seriously have considered that it might be time to try beta blockers. However, in my online search I found that the herb Kava has been proven to reduce anxiety naturally. I now drink a lot of Kava tea on the day of an audition. I definitely feel a LITTLE more relaxed after Kava tea, but it's not the end all result I have hoped for. I really think it is time to resort to beta blockers. After all, most musicians on the audition circuit rely on them for high pressure situations (like major auditions). Any edge I can get the better.

You know, I was feeling a little crappy about my audition before, but I don't think so anymore...
I mean, my Bach was technically perfect, and I think my musicality was pretty good. Chant de Linos has a little mistake though....I messed up the last big run on the first page and it's pretty obvious cause it was the high note and it sounded weird I'm sure.... but I just kept going like a pro and played all those many fast hard notes afterward just fine. The only thing that distressed me is that this new girl that went before me got to play a LOT and I only played literally a page and a half. I guess that's ok though. We'll see I guess. Dr. Lamneck was praising my piccolo playing - kinda funny considering I didn't play any piccolo today, haha. Hopefully I'll get to play either principal flute or piccolo for one of the concerts this semester.

My sound has changed so much, but in a good way I think

I have been told for years, ever since I got my gold flute, that I have such a dark sound. I'll never forget the first lesson after I bought my new flute. It was with my college freshman year teacher who I didn't get along too well with. Her response was that "nobody in a professional orchestra plays a japanese flute" and that "silver projects better than gold". Basically, she was pissed that I didn't come home with a Brannen or a different Boston-brand flute. Of course, she was just trying to get me to quit, and those comments certainly made me feel crappy after an $11,000 purchase. Fortunately, she was only my teacher for one year.

Ever since, I came to believe that my "dark" sound produced from my gold, Japanese flute was the reason I wasn't perfect. I never let it STOP me, but anytime someone would make a comment about how I wasn't projecting well, or how the conductor wanted a brighter sound I immediately blamed it on my flute and overcompensated by just blowing harder and playing with a very heavy vibrato because lots of vibrato gives the illusion of being louder.

It never occurred to me that the problem might be ME. The flute industry makes such a big deal out of the brands people play and how some are better than others, and I admit to have been slightly sucked in. I thought about buying a new, silver, bright, buzzy headjoint when I was auditioning for grad schools, but I didn't want to make a several thousand dollar commitment on my own, so I figured I'd put it off until grad school when I had a teacher to help me choose.

The thing I never expected is this: My teacher never asked me what kind of flute I played, whether it was solid gold, nothing. He told me to change my tongue position. Although the primary purpose was to clean up my articulation, it was step 1 in completely changing my sound. All of a sudden everything was clear and projection wasn't an issue. The sound was still a little TOO centered though. It lacked the floaty quality. Then came step 2 - changing my hand position. Again, the purpose was to fix my right hand technique, but less pressure on the right hand led to less pressure on the chin which was the beginning of the floaty sound. The real key though, was mastering a more relaxed embouchure and playing with air in the cheeks. My sounds is pretty much perfect now, and I didn't do it with practicing boring long tones for hours upon hours. Don't get me wrong, long tones are great and they have a place in each flutist's practice time. However, I hate too much of a focus on them.

I learned that the problems I had with my sound were actually ME and not my instrument. It was a hell of a lot cheaper, that's for sure. It also makes me wonder exactly how much the whole headjoint/flute thing REALLY has to do with the sound. I mean, I definitely think that you need a good quality instrument to begin with, otherwise you're just fighting with yourself. The difference between a handmade professional model is lightyears different than a top-of-the-line factory processed model. However, once you already have the quality, I think it might be wrong that people are looking for a "quick fix" by buying a new flute or headjoint. Many of them just doesn't realize that problems might be attributed to different areas, like bad tongue or hand position.

In conclusion, I have recently learned that no, I do NOT have a dark sound anymore. In fact, it's on the bright side, with a lot of depth and color and overtones. I love my sound, I love my flute, and I can hardly believe how much I have changed until I listen to recordings of myself prior to my own changes. Finally, I'm confident about my sound. It also doesn't hurt that my teacher tells me that I sound a LOT like Julius Baker..... :-)

Organizing lots of practice into little time

Strictly from a practice time standpoint, I miss the days from a month ago when I was unemployed because I could start practicing early in the morning as soon as my roommate was up and play all day long, putting in a good 6 hours a day. Although my muscles are probably rejoicing in the strict change to 1.5-2 hours on weekdays, and I'm actually making enough money to pay the rent, I feel like I'm not getting much done. I'm tired when I come home from day jobs #1 and #2. I just want to sit in front of the tv for an hour and not move, or I want to just go to bed.

I feel like I'm doing the same practice every single day. I play some warm up stuff, then I practice my tonguing for a bit, then I get right on into pieces. Lately, it's been the Mozart violin sonata (which I've pretty much mastered the first movement and need to start the 2nd) and working on perfecting and memorizing Chaminade cause I'm playing it with the NYU wind ensemble in the fall.

I need to buy or find some of the other pieces for my recital. At the very least I should start the Francaix divertimento that I have sitting somewhere in my music box. Additionally, when I have more money in my checking acct. I need to buy Chant de linos and Mei. Need to actually buy the Francaix and Mozart too......

I just heard that a flute player I went to undergrad with won a 1 year job. Part of me is happy for her cause she IS a good player and works really hard, but part of me is so green with envy. She had something I never had - in addition to our teacher, she had major support from the other one, and even though the other teacher isn't my favorite flute person, she does have connections and helps people when she can. Other people of course, not me. And I know I shouldn't be jealous, it's just that it's been that much harder for me having to do it without being able to use her name (since it was the one associated with the college flute program). And I've done well - I have an incredible and incredibly famous teacher who I've found on my own, and he REALLY thinks I'm gonna make it. It's just hard right now to imagine that when I'm working 2 jobs plus teaching just to pay my rent and upcoming repayment of student loans to imagine it ever will happen for me. Remaining positive is probably the biggest thing I need to "practice" right now cause every time I think about my student loans I can't help but cry.

So, I guess the point is - No matter how tired I am I need to keep practicing as much as I can everyday. No more sitting in front of the tv during hours when I could be practicing. I am actually kinda proud of myself for continuing to practice everyday though, even if it IS only for 1.5 hours. That's better than when I first moved to NYC. I didn't practice much at all when I worked my first temp job. Definitely not everyday. I would go several days without picking up the flute. I think that I'm more motivated now than I was then cause I was in the "in-between" bachelor's and master's period not completely sure which direction to go in. Now I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it. Finding the time is the hard part.

My practice journal blog

A couple months ago I wrote a post on a course-required blog about how I don't feel blogging is particularly beneficial to music performers aside from perhaps using it as a practice journal. Since then, the idea of creating a practice journal blog has seemed more and more helpful to me for establishing goals for my playing. I mean, my long term goals are set - the whole "do whatever it takes to become a professional EMPLOYED musician" goal is a given. I will never give up - I've experienced so much rejection and I'm still standing, even improving, that I know eventually it will all work out. However, short term goals, like daily and weekly practice, are not so clearly defined for me. I know what I need to work on, basically, but getting it all done will be the challenge.

1. Learning to always play with air in the cheeks and with my newfound throatier vibrato (not the diaphram vibrato because it's too edgy) because when I do that I sound scarily Baker-esque. Again, doing it on a regular basis is the hard part, especially when I'm focusing on other musical aspects.

2. Feel the big beats - I'm way too beaty. Beaty doesn't necessarily = rhythmic. Yes be rhythmic. No to beaty.

3. Practice my excerpts daily - or at least practice Leonore #1 daily. I never again want Leonore to be my downfall in an audition. I'm uncomfortable and screw that one up in non-pressure situations (like when I'm practicing at home) and I still screw it up 50% of the time in low-pressure situations (like a lesson with my super supportive teacher) so therefore, if I only get it 50% of the time in low-pressure situations, I'm ultimately screwed in high-pressure ones, like my orchestral audition yesterday. I need that particular excerpt (which is the most uncomfortable flute excerpt for me) to become just like "Afternoon of a Fawn" is to me now - perfect and beautiful and no longer uncomfortable (even though it wasn't always). Hmm, I might want to add Daphnis to that list. Oooh! On second thought, I should have a short list of the most common excerpts that I practice daily, which includes those three as well as Midsummer Night's Dream (although I already play Midsummer Night's Dream daily). What a good idea!

4. Improve the speed of my double tonguing. I've finally figured out that half my problem was my sloppy too-far-back "G" (and I've fixed that!), but I now also realize that my "T" is the problem. Actually, "T" isn't a bad thing, it's just a bad thing when double tonguing. I need "T" to become either a really light "Th" "Da" or "Le". Yeah.....this is gonna be the hard part. I can do "T" really fast, but not for long amounts of time. With the other syllables I'm much slower right now, but once I build my muscles and get used to it hopefully it will be just as fast as my "T" and I'll be able to sustain it longer.

5. Practicing my scales daily - I've really put these on the back burner lately. I play my major ones once in awhile when I'm having a crappy tone time to wait it out until I'm more warmed up. I almost never play my minor scales and I should - I really really should.

Yup, these are the big goals for now. I will use repertoire to help improve #1 and #2. I'll practice some of #3 daily. I'll also do tonguing exercises daily and practice my scales daily. Woohoo - practice goals defined.